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Every Person You'll

Grow to Hate at Uni

1. The Party Pooper

It’s 2am and you and the #squad are having a drink or two in your kitchen. This round of Ring of Fire has been particularly intense, and it's your turn once again. But then, as you're bracing yourself to down whatever strange liquid Harry from Kitchen 2 has just passed you, the door clicks open. There stands the party-pooper; the living embodiment of the phrase 'face like a slapped arse'. They really need you to quiet down because they claim to do a more intense degree than you.

2. The 'DJ'

"Heard this one mate? Aww wait wait wait for the drop.” Rather than drinking and talking with everyone else, this guy or girl prefers to devote their time to playing obscure tracks they've stumbled across on SoundCloud. Very likely to spend £500 on a T-shirt from Supreme only to spend the rest of the term eating Ramen noodles directly out of the pan.

3. The 'daddy paid for my fees upfront' one

They will only go out if they have a VIP booth and they will make sure that every single person knows about it. Their Snapchat game is truly first class - unlike their grades. They spend too much time making sure everyone else knows how great their life is, and not enough time studying. While you'll spend the next 3 years growing accustomed to the distinctive taste of Tesco's own brand vodka, they probably use Grey Goose to clean their bathroom.

4. The Sex Freak

Fresh out of sexless Sixth Form and into a world without the risk of parents walking in on them, these students come with one goal: to achieve sex god status. What's worse is they really, really want you to know that they’re having sex and will talk about it shamelessly. Their sex knows no time frame. 2am? You’ll know about it. 2pm? You’ll know about it. The shrieks of their mating calls will stay with you for life.

5. The Budget Kardashian

Also known as The Basic One, this girl will spend most of her time rising above a group of unidentified haters. She'll own every colour in Kylie's lip-kit and the matching Kylighters as well. While she may have over 5000 followers on Instagram, she more than likely paid for half. However, don't judge her too harshly, because when the Summer Ball rolls around, she'll be the first person you call to help you choose a dress and get that contour popping.

6. The All-nighter

These people are unheard of in the day, their names a mere myth on campus. “I thought I saw him in the library today, it was around 3pm. I’m not sure though, I only really saw the back of his head.” These mellow people only exist between the hours of 02:00-05:00 and are incapable of showing any interest in an assignment until 12 hours before the deadline. They spend their whole night in the library slaving away, taking only an occasional break to post on all socials that they're working late at night.

7. The Woke one

Most likely studying Politics and International Relations, this guy or girl is woke AF. At worse, they are slacktivists whose only form of protest is posting psuedo-intellectual Facebook statuses about the slavery of capitalism, while sipping on their unethically sourced vanilla chai latte. While their last minute city break to Berlin meant they were unable to vote in the General Election, they were backing uncle Jez all the way.

8. The Thief

You never thought you’d get to the stage where you're pencilling discreet lines onto the side of your milk carton to measure just how much milk has gone since you last touched it, yet here you are. At some point, you yourself may become The Thief. Having eaten nothing but microwave lasagne for the past 3 weeks, when Katie returns from a weekend at home with a Tupperware box filled with the finest cheeses you've seen in recent memory - the temptation may be too strong. Have a little nibble. She'll never know.

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